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| I need to delve into art more. I need to draw again. I need to be a whole lot deeper, not that i'm not deep.. but I feel that I need to further my artistic side. I feel that I have abandoned it somehow.
I need to reassess my life. Start a new. In accordance to my current situation. I think it's best to start 2010 by myself. I guess.... maybe.. I don't know.
I should really though. I need to focus on myself.
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| Why do people leave prints on your heart and its so hard to take it apart.
Everything comes back, the feelings, and the words when you see them again.
I wish there was an easy way to completely forget.
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| I don't even know where to begin this blog. So much anxieties fills me up. So many thoughts trying to come out. Now the words are even more difficult to form.
I wish I could just cry, but that's not gonna solve anything.
*sigh* x INFINITY
Why the infinity sighs? Well, have you ever heard of the superstition that says: "For every sigh you make, you'll lose a bit of your happiness."?
I'm trying to wish all my happiness away!!! I'm so upset right now that I can't even think of ever being happy at all. It's like i'm in a cycle that's bound to repeat itself no matter what.
I can't ever recall the time when i've never been cheated on..
Well, my previous boyfriend. I can't even bring up his name. He never put anything else first besides his family and me too, i hope. Next comes responsibility. He had always taken care of me and admitted to my every whim of him. Whether I wanted affection or whatsoever. Name the works. But I messed it up, because I wasn't sure where I was headed. And I felt that I didn't see a future with him. I did not see us ending up together until it was too too late. And now he has refused to ever be with me.
For every time, ever since the beginning. What have I done to deserve such cruelty? Is it because I had always poured my heart out to whatever I was involved in, or whatever relationship that was?
Have you ever heard of that saying: "Whoever in the relationship cares the least, has the most power in it."?
It was rephrased in that movie "Ghost Of Girlfriends Past" - "The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less."
It's true though btw. It's true that if you cared less than that other person, the more that person will cling to you and try to prove to you that it's worth being in a relationship with that person.
I have been in both situations. Also, both in the same year. And both in the same season, which was this past summer.
First, the end of May until the end of June. I was seeing someone whom i've known for years. We went to high school together. We also had worked together. The connection was not made until 2 years later, after he left our company though. Unfortunately, he still felt for his ex in some way so he wasn't completely ready for a relationship.
I cared for him a lot. Maybe a lot more than he had cared for me. We liked each other a lot. And to this day.. I believe whatever he has told me is true. He told me he really liked me. He told me he enjoyed spending time with me and also that was excited that we would see each other again.
But in the end, he had cut ties with me to be back with his ex-girlfriend.
Second, the end of July that had lasted until middle October. It wasn't on purpose, but it happened anyways. That previous boyfriend I had mentioned earlier..
He liked me a lot. And I really, really, really, really liked him too. And I really want to stress the "really".
I enjoyed being around him. He made feel comfortable being myself. I think, I know, that the me I showed him was the real me. We always goofed around. Laughed over arguments. What I mean is that, we "play argue" a lot. To others, the way they saw us was that we were really arguing. But we weren't. It's that teasing sort of way. We both knew we were kidding. And I loved it. I loved it with a passion.
He said, he likes it when I smile. He said it lights him up and if we had an argument, a real one, or that if he was depressed. He said it made him feel ultimately better.
He said that he loved that whenever I spoke about something, whether it was about work, or about which manga I was reading, or what movie I was watching. That I was so attentive about it. That I involved so much feelings. His exacts words were "Whenever you say things, you say them with such passion, so I really like that about you."
I was scared to commit to him. I didn't not see myself with him. I felt that we didn't match. We were in different levels some said.
I was scared. I was scared to open up to him. Moreover, I was not over the person I was seeing in the beginning of the summer. Plus. My ex-boyfriend, who is now, at present, my boyfriend, was lingering.
So we broke up, because all the more, I had doubts. I had doubts with how much I liked him. I felt that I still had deep feelings for that person I saw before him.
In the end, I realized that I loved him. I realized that I loved him dearly, and that it was a mistake to have ever let him go. He doesn't want me. Nor in his life. We can't ever be friends. He says that I think one-sidedly -- if that is even a word. I'm not sure that I do think that way. I only wanted to be friends again. And he said the same. But we make each other feel a certain way even if we don't mean to.
He says I make him feel uncomfortable because he says that I like him. Which is true. I'm not gonna deny it. But its not like i'm ugly. It's funny though, shouldn't it have been the other way around. His friends had told him I was way out of his league. How do you even know that? Going back, he makes me feel like he's avoiding me. He makes me feel unwelcome.
But we really don't mean to make each other feel this way.
In any case, we don't talk, text or chat at all. So we have cut off ties, which is really a shame.
So back to the topic above.
My ex-boyfriend and I have come back together. Sometime around this fall season.
I'm really happy being around him. We play around, and I love that. But he doesn't do it all the time. He isn't all that affectionate either. In the beginning I thought that it was just out of convenience. I felt this way because we had no such deep connection towards each other anymore. I felt depressed. This was also around the time when I realized my love for someone else. My boyfriend and I, had no romance. Everything was... just the same as it was. Repetitive. We did the same thing with just hanging out late at my house which my parents hated dearly. We only watched shows and TV. We barely went out. Like I said, Repetitive.
It's a little different atm (at the moment), but still.
And now, I found out that he receives flirtatious messages. E-mails and junk, of pictures and what not. Sexually all the more too. I'm not sure what to think. It could be just some crazy girls who want to be with him. Because, I am not gonna lie. He is attractive, but he is also flirtatious.
So now back to that question...
What do you do when you know he's cheating on you? -- I'm guess i'm just assuming on my part. But how can you ignore everything that you know?
I have decided to just keep shut about it for now. And hold back on any affectionate means. Because after all, I am not sure if it really is cheating. But it has always been like this all through out the times we were together.
We got together January '05. (just gonna add this here, sometime after 2 yrs, he slept with 3 other women behind my back and I did not find out until recent times.)
We broke up in March '08 - because he felt I was suffocating him and got with my best friend's roommate who was also my friend.
We got back together in late August '08.
We broke up in May '09 - I wanted to be single. That summer we were apart, I was on the verge of really moving on from him. I wish I had stayed single. And also I wanted to be able to hang out with my friends more. I wanted to be able to do anything I wanted, and being told by him that I cannot do those things because he doesn't allow it. I wasn't his wife. I wasn't his ownership either.
When we broke up the first time he told me that I need to experience life and grow up. That I needed to be more mature. So I realized that even more and told him the same this time.
And well.. we got back together this year's fall.
I have placed my trust in him. Fully. I thought this time was different, because I definitely felt for him. I definitely wanted him to be by my side and that I was willing to accept everything that has happened between us.
So now what?
I want to ignore it so bad. I want him to lie to me if he has to. I want to believe that he has changed. I want him to explain to me why he does these things. What have I ever done to him so that he would make me suffer this much?
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| Read manga all night.. and now i feel slightly light-headed and my chest feels so heavy for some reason.
I have to get going to work pretty soon too.
Last night, myself, Josh, Pauline & Matt went to see Princess and the Frog. The movie is amazing. The music, the colors. The princess of the story is very pretty, i loved her barbie doll eyes. hahaha.
It's slightly different, twisted from the original tale, but definitely Disney 
Josh and I watched Eagle Eye last night after coming back from the theaters. I fell asleep during the movie as usual. It's cause as soon as I lie down on that couch, I will instantly knock out. I dunno why. It just happens.
In any case, at the theater, before the movie had begun, I was having some difficulty breathing. I'm not sure why, it's like.. when someone is claustrophobic i guess. I'm not saying that I am so, but I felt sophocated.. maybe it was that hyperventilation, but it wasn't as bad. It was just really difficult breathing for a while.
In any case, I think I read like 4 different shoujo's yesterday.. I feel like I have nothing else to read.. damn..
I wish there was something.
>>edit @ 11:51 am<<
I feel more light-headed atm.. shower was good. but now my day is all different cause work has been rescheduled.. I am now going in later and working later. I don't want to miss house!!! Thank goodness for DVR, gonna watch it with Yukie as always.
also... I LOST WEIGHT!!! OUT OF NOWHERE!! i'm not sure if I should be happy about this or be worried about it.. I'm still around average, but i'm not sure I like where this is going... perhaps this has something to do with eating breakfast at 8am, lunch at 11 and dinner at 5. I've been trying to avoid as much as possible not to eat after 7. Which is fine really because I have a good serving for dinner and don't generally get hungry for the rest of the evening, unless I am up all night and then my stomach starts to grumble at 1 am. LOL.
Well.. I guess it's okay. I remember when I used to be 100lbs when I was 16. 110 @ 23 isn't bad at all. 
>>edit @ 12:06 pm<<
WTH?!!! they changed my schedule again and switched it to 1:30 now. and thursday has been changed as well... i'm not a disposable puppet!!!
grrr. i'm mad right now.
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| @_@ I am so tired.. but not so sleepy.. and my eyes hurt.
For the last I don't know how many hours, I was updating several accounts and changing passwords and e-mails. It was so exhausting. And then after, I was organizing my yahoo e-mail because i've decided that i'm probably not gonna use it anymore, seeing how i've barely logged on in it within the year. And with also changing my accounts' e-mails... all the more that I won't need it.
*sigh*
had to mark spam, organize the folders.. now I think all that's left to be done is export the messages.
maybe creating a program that can do that for me would be the best, cause i've had that yahoo e-mail for decades.. well, not exactly. since i've only passed my 2nd.
in any case. *stretch* *stretch again*
i'm so so so so tired. and feel the least bit sleepy. this is annoying. i'm sure as soon as I lay down i'll knock out for sure, so i'm not so worried.
hmm... I was gonna say something else and now i've forgotten. somewhat. oh well.
oh yeah! I was browsing through the "private home" and I was looking through the accounts, and it states that "I" am not a true member? How can this be? I've been a member for so many years and have so much posts that I cannot even remember.
But then again, I have been using this on and off and all. so right now... my progress states that I am only 13% true member. who cares, i'm not gonna sweat it, but I do hate it though.
So.. for the last 24 hours, I have been playing around with Google, Gmail, Google Wave and whatever. I was plainly bored and was just trying to occupy my time.
There wasn't exactly anything I could do really besides read manga. I want to read the rest of B.O.D.Y. and there's a new one called Himekei Doll. I was disappointed a little because if it weren't for that e before the i it would have been my name in the title.
Well, if you're into shoujo, I think you should read that one, I believe it only has..... 7 chapters? and it's labeled irregular too, which sucks cause I want to read more.
Well.. I think i'm gonna call it a night.
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