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Himeki
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Name: Agnes
Country: United States
State: Connecticut
Metro: Hartford
Birthday: 8/30/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: surfing the net, playing: cards, mahjjong, checkers, billiards [i shoot pool too], creating wallpapers, site layouts and music videos, chatting with friends of course, at either AIM, Yahoo, MSN
Expertise: website/layout construction.. and editing music clips.. ;]
Occupation: Accounting Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  HiMeKicHaN
MSN: Himeki_chan@msn.com
ICQ:  190873480
Yahoo:  Himeki_chan
Jabber: HiMeKi
Member Since:
8/5/2002
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| arrrgh!!!! i'm so pissed right now that i'm getting a headache. I can't believe he is playing me again.. AGAIN!!!
He's talking to so many women making it all smooth plus flirting all over. Well, if this is how he wants it. Forget it. I'm gonna do whatever I want too. I'll hang out with whoever I want. I'll go out with whoever I want. And I'll do whatever I want. If he wants war, I'll sure as hell give him war.
I'm done playing this game. I am done being toyed with. This is it. | | |
| went to boston today. i was there for the entire day i guess. went to school at 8 and we left at 9 waiting for people, got there at 10:30. we stopped by Dunkin Donuts, and stopped by China Town, it was amazing i guess you can say, we didn't really stick around, only got to stop by one store cause everyone couldn't decide where to go. It was a sanrio place i guess. and what attracted us in there was a huge Pikachu plush toy. ^_^
they had tons of stuff, bags, scarves, stationaries, CDs and things, and everywhere that we passed by at, there were food and it smelled a amazing!
we left though, and went to this shopping center, Chopley? i think it was. not sure. but yeah. it had 4 or 5 levels, but only 2 levels were open, maybe renovating? or just a new place?
went through a couple stores.. Brookstone, Ray, Dave and Jenny sat on the the massage chairs for a while. I can't really do that cause if i relaxed, and went walking again, the more it'd hurt i guess.
went to Victoria Secret and bought 3 shirts and 2 totes, and i gave Jenny one of them. O_O
then we went to the direction of the capital building? they has performances on the street, it was real cool and there were these boys break dancing and stuff. me and Jenny agreed that this one boy over there was really cute. he moved smooth too. >.< hehehe.
in any case, we just walked around stalls, bought some bubble tea. and i love Honey Dew!!
so yeah. it was fun. we walked around the entire day. oh yeah, we took Jenny on her very first train ride. hhehee. it was cool. there was one time that we got almost closed in the train because there were these 2 people there who couldn't decide if they were getting off then, and were too slow about it too.
so yeah. went back to Boston Commons, on the bus, and went back to UHart. dropped Jenny off and I, Dave, and Ray came to my house for dinner.
cooked some food and finally ate. so full.
so just at home and been watching movies. Legally Blonde, Meet my Mom? i think.. with Hilary Duff. and now clueless. just kept it on TBS. don't really wanna change the channel so yeah.
i'm just... i dunno. tired.. anxieties.. and feel really weird i guess. every time.. it just pops in my head.. ^sigh^ i just want to forget. forget and forget. x_x
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| i can't sleep anymore.. i woke up at 5.. and i really can't go back to sleep anymore.. all i could think about are my troubles.. therefore creating more stress for me...
^sigh^ i don't understand... its not fair.. i don't think so.. since our breakup.. i guess. it was to be expected.. but i don't think its fair for him and a friend of ours to be all over each other all the time even though they say they are just friends. i say its not fair, because its not fair for me.. we just broke up.. and there he is flirting already.
i guess i put up a pretty good act of being okay. but it never really is.. sometimes i just find myself crying most of the time. but i have to move on.. but as much as i try.. its just so hard. i wish it was the same for me. i wish i can find someone too.. to hang out with like that so that it'd be easier.
i can't always keep myself busy.. there will be a time, where i can't do anything i'm forced to think about the details.
my friends are telling i'm too nice about the whole entire thing. that i'm acting real mature about the situation. and that i'm really being too generous.
they're surprised.. that even though i see them together... all the time.. i don't say anything.
i don't because i want everything to be cool. i want everything to be ok. but i know it will never be. no matter how hard i try.. he will never want to be friends. he will want to stay away from me as much as he can.
it hurts alot. for that time we were together, he was the most i depended on.. he was more of a friend to me than anyone. he was the one person i can really turn to.. the one person where i can say anything.. the one person who i can really be myself with. i just want that back. that friendship i thought we had.
most of the time, i wish i would just vanish.. then i'll really know who cares for me or not. i've thought about it a lot. a lot of times. i told yukie and she was really, really worried..
what am i supposed to do? if you were me.. and everything you knew... everything that surrounded you.. just disappeared.. won't you just be as stuck in a loop as i am?
there were so many things i wanted to do... there were so many things i wanted to do with him.
regardless if we're just friends now.. like... even just hang out.. he was the one that said so from the very start...
so i think that way because he suggested it.. but... i guess he was wrong in saying those things.. maybe they were just for comfort.. all lies.. didn't really mean anything..
^sigh^ i've been sighing a whole lot again.. and been getting more and more anxieties. hmm.. that's not good for my heart.. there was once a time, a friend told me.. if you sigh a lot, you lose a bit of your happiness. i guess that's okay. i'm not really happy anyways.. its all just pretend. so the persons closest to me. or the persons around me won't worry.
i still have not gotten my appetite back.. i basically eat like once a day.. and no matter how hard i try to eat 3 times in day, it just won't go down..
is this what happens when someone's depressed?
i wonder.
today's sunday... i have church later at 11.. and i can just i guess.. spend my time at home.. there's nothing else to do.. there's not really anyone to hang out with... everyone went home.. so yeah..
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| ^sigh^ spring break... its gonna be really boring since i've got nothing to do. i'm just home right now doing my laundry and getting things done around my room. i'm rearranging things, perhaps get red of some shelves or whatever..
gonna bring down all my clothes bins from the attic and sort it all out and see which i really want to keep or whatever.
Yukie was here earlier this morning trying on my bathing suits and picked up some skirts and shirts. she's going to florida where it's nice and warm.. and where she can get a tan.. she'll be back at the end of spring break.
i want to get a tan too. i kinda changed my point of view about it, cause last year, when i went to aruba, i had this really nice tan.. so now i can't wait till the summer time so i can go to the beach..
but i'll be going to philippines too. i was asking Yukie, that if her proposal doesn't get chosen, she should come with me to philippines, i asked jeff the same thing, cause he wants to be chosen as a volunteer for the olympics.
^_^ everyone is so busy. i guess. so am i. after i'm done with all my house work and everything is tidied up.. i'm just gonna do some hw. and compose my term paper and other things.
^sigh^ i feel real sucky right now. i've been feel nauseas for a couple of days now.. haven't much appetite either. i've already lost 10 pounds in a course of one week. but i still eat though. i basically force myself to eat. just so that my stomach can have some food in it. i've been constantly sleep too. which is real wierd.. i'm so used to sleeping for just 6 hours or less. so i'm thrown off by this..
my co-workers tell me, maybe its just stress. someone had always told me not to stress.. and relax. its not easy. it's not like want to be stressed. and the one thing that can really relax me... well. isn't around for me anymore. so i'm stressed all the time, with no chance of relief. sucks. i know. but i guess i'll have to deal with being stressed and tired all the time.
i was at my friend's dorm yesterday, we were just taking jello shots and man... i had alot and i felt so buzzed at the end of the night.. i basically was just drinking a whole bunch of water and kept peeing. man.... it wasn't right. it was cool though. we played card games and some ddr. ^_^
well.. i wish i can get a massage!!!! i need one so bad.. my bro bro-ray ray. his name is ray. anyways. he gave me a massage yesterday. it felt good. but i don't think it was enough. i need someone to crack my entire back in all places. it hurts so much...  well.... ^sigh^
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| its been a wierd week all week. me and josh split up over the weekend. three years together. i can't believe i can let go. but i have to. i don't resent it. i kinda knew it was coming. he just doesn't love me anymore. i understand. i still love him though and i do wish that we would get back together. but can't help it. he doesn't have any sort of attraction for me.
he was insisting and assumes that i tell our friends to not hang out with him. i never said anything such as that. i never told them not to be friends with him. but oh well. that's him. he's so protective of our friend caitlin too. all i was asking her was to draw the line between her and josh of being friends. you know. friends: boy and a girl. don't sleep on the same bed without anyone having malice over it. it's just not like that.
he tells me. to stay away from her. not txt her. speak to her or even mail her. i thought all these things i speak to her about is all a secret.
oh well. i don't care anymore.
i still love josh. i don't want to give up on him. but there is no longer any hope of getting back. i get it. we're just gonna be friends. if he want to be friends. when i mention it, he said he gotta think about it. but he was the one that mentioned it first when we were arguing before we broke up. i'm the one who should be stressing more. he's a guy. he can let go as easy as saying cake.
i wish this didn't have to happen. but i guess it had to at some point. i really think he's the one. and i want him to come back to me. but that's not possible. it's ok. i'm ok with it. i'm a strong girl. i have other people to back me up besides my friends that he wants to hang out with all the time. he doesn't want me to be around when he does. i'm just not gonna be around.
as i see it, he's taking my friends. but thats ok. i have other friends. its not the end of the world.
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