Himeki's Xanga

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 16:41:39 GMT

arrrgh!!!! i'm so pissed right now that i'm getting a headache.

I can't believe he is playing me again.. AGAIN!!!
He's talking to so many women making it all smooth plus flirting all over. Well, if this is how he wants it. Forget it. I'm gonna do whatever I want too. I'll hang out with whoever I want. I'll go out with whoever I want. And I'll do whatever I want.

If he wants war, I'll sure as hell give him war.
I'm done playing this game. I am done being toyed with. This is it.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 03:18:23 GMT

went to boston today. i was there for the entire day i guess. went to school at 8 and we left at 9 waiting for people, got there at 10:30. we stopped by Dunkin Donuts, and stopped by China Town, it was amazing i guess you can say, we didn't really stick around, only got to stop by one store cause everyone couldn't decide where to go. It was a sanrio place i guess. and what attracted us in there was a huge Pikachu plush toy. ^_^
they had tons of stuff, bags, scarves, stationaries, CDs and things, and everywhere that we passed by at, there were food and it smelled a amazing!

we left though, and went to this shopping center, Chopley? i think it was. not sure. but yeah. it had 4 or 5 levels, but only 2 levels were open, maybe renovating? or just a new place?
went through a couple stores.. Brookstone, Ray, Dave and Jenny sat on the the massage chairs for a while. I can't really do that cause if i relaxed, and went walking again, the more it'd hurt i guess.
went to Victoria Secret and bought 3 shirts and 2 totes, and i gave Jenny one of them. O_O

then we went to the direction of the capital building? they has performances on the street, it was real cool and there were these boys break dancing and stuff. me and Jenny agreed that this one boy over there was really cute. he moved smooth too. >.< hehehe.

in any case, we just walked around stalls, bought some bubble tea. and i love Honey Dew!!

so yeah. it was fun. we walked around the entire day. oh yeah, we took Jenny on her very first train ride. hhehee. it was cool. there was one time that we got almost closed in the train because there were these 2 people there who couldn't decide if they were getting off then, and were too slow about it too.

so yeah. went back to Boston Commons, on the bus, and went back to UHart. dropped Jenny off and I, Dave, and Ray came to my house for dinner.
cooked some food and finally ate. so full.

so just at home and been watching movies. Legally Blonde, Meet my Mom? i think.. with Hilary Duff. and now clueless. just kept it on TBS. don't really wanna change the channel so yeah.

i'm just... i dunno. tired.. anxieties.. and feel really weird i guess. every time.. it just pops in my head.. ^sigh^ i just want to forget. forget and forget. x_x

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 09:35:09 GMT

i can't sleep anymore.. i woke up at 5.. and i really can't go back to sleep anymore.. all i could think about are my troubles.. therefore creating more stress for me...

^sigh^ i don't understand... its not fair.. i don't think so.. since our breakup.. i guess. it was to be expected.. but i don't think its fair for him and a friend of ours to be all over each other all the time even though they say they are just friends. i say its not fair, because its not fair for me.. we just broke up.. and there he is flirting already.

i guess i put up a pretty good act of being okay. but it never really is.. sometimes i just find myself crying most of the time. but i have to move on.. but as much as i try.. its just so hard. i wish it was the same for me. i wish i can find someone too.. to hang out with like that so that it'd be easier.

i can't always keep myself busy.. there will be a time, where i can't do anything i'm forced to think about the details.
my friends are telling i'm too nice about the whole entire thing. that i'm acting real mature about the situation. and that i'm really being too generous.

they're surprised.. that even though i see them together... all the time.. i don't say anything.
i don't because i want everything to be cool. i want everything to be ok. but i know it will never be. no matter how hard i try.. he will never want to be friends. he will want to stay away from me as much as he can.

it hurts alot. for that time we were together, he was the most i depended on.. he was more of a friend to me than anyone. he was the one person i can really turn to.. the one person where i can say anything.. the one person who i can really be myself with. i just want that back. that friendship i thought we had.

most of the time, i wish i would just vanish.. then i'll really know who cares for me or not. i've thought about it a lot. a lot of times. i told yukie and she was really, really worried..
what am i supposed to do? if you were me.. and everything you knew... everything that surrounded you.. just disappeared.. won't you just be as stuck in a loop as i am?

there were so many things i wanted to do... there were so many things i wanted to do with him.
regardless if we're just friends now.. like... even just hang out.. he was the one that said so from the very start...
so i think that way because he suggested it.. but... i guess he was wrong in saying those things.. maybe they were just for comfort.. all lies.. didn't really mean anything..

^sigh^ i've been sighing a whole lot again.. and been getting more and more anxieties. hmm.. that's not good for my heart.. there was once a time, a friend told me.. if you sigh a lot, you lose a bit of your happiness. i guess that's okay. i'm not really happy anyways.. its all just pretend. so the persons closest to me. or the persons around me won't worry.

i still have not gotten my appetite back.. i basically eat like once a day.. and no matter how hard i try to eat 3 times in day, it just won't go down..
is this what happens when someone's depressed?
i wonder.

today's sunday... i have church later at 11.. and i can just i guess.. spend my time at home.. there's nothing else to do.. there's not really anyone to hang out with... everyone went home.. so yeah..

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 21:32:54 GMT

^sigh^ spring break... its gonna be really boring since i've got nothing to do. i'm just home right now doing my laundry and getting things done around my room. i'm rearranging things, perhaps get red of some shelves or whatever..

gonna bring down all my clothes bins from the attic and sort it all out and see which i really want to keep or whatever.

Yukie was here earlier this morning trying on my bathing suits and picked up some skirts and shirts. she's going to florida where it's nice and warm.. and where she can get a tan.. she'll be back at the end of spring break.

i want to get a tan too. i kinda changed my point of view about it, cause last year, when i went to aruba, i had this really nice tan.. so now i can't wait till the summer time so i can go to the beach..

but i'll be going to philippines too. i was asking Yukie, that if her proposal doesn't get chosen, she should come with me to philippines, i asked jeff the same thing, cause he wants to be chosen as a volunteer for the olympics.

^_^ everyone is so busy. i guess. so am i. after i'm done with all my house work and everything is tidied up.. i'm just gonna do some hw. and compose my term paper and other things.

^sigh^ i feel real sucky right now. i've been feel nauseas for a couple of days now.. haven't much appetite either. i've already lost 10 pounds in a course of one week. but i still eat though. i basically force myself to eat. just so that my stomach can have some food in it. i've been constantly sleep too. which is real wierd.. i'm so used to sleeping for just 6 hours or less. so i'm thrown off by this..

my co-workers tell me, maybe its just stress. someone had always told me not to stress.. and relax. its not easy. it's not like want to be stressed. and the one thing that can really relax me... well. isn't around for me anymore. so i'm stressed all the time, with no chance of relief. sucks. i know. but i guess i'll have to deal with being stressed and tired all the time.

i was at my friend's dorm yesterday, we were just taking jello shots and man... i had alot and i felt so buzzed at the end of the night.. i basically was just drinking a whole bunch of water and kept peeing. man.... it wasn't right. it was cool though. we played card games and some ddr. ^_^

well.. i wish i can get a massage!!!! i need one so bad.. my bro bro-ray ray. his name is ray. anyways. he gave me a massage yesterday. it felt good. but i don't think it was enough. i need someone to crack my entire back in all places. it hurts so much... well.... ^sigh^

a new life

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 19:00:19 GMT

its been a wierd week all week. me and josh split up over the weekend. three years together. i can't believe i can let go. but i have to. i don't resent it. i kinda knew it was coming. he just doesn't love me anymore. i understand. i still love him though and i do wish that we would get back together. but can't help it. he doesn't have any sort of attraction for me.

he was insisting and assumes that i tell our friends to not hang out with him. i never said anything such as that. i never told them not to be friends with him. but oh well. that's him. he's so protective of our friend caitlin too. all i was asking her was to draw the line between her and josh of being friends. you know. friends: boy and a girl. don't sleep on the same bed without anyone having malice over it. it's just not like that.

he tells me. to stay away from her. not txt her. speak to her or even mail her. i thought all these things i speak to her about is all a secret.
oh well. i don't care anymore.

i still love josh. i don't want to give up on him. but there is no longer any hope of getting back. i get it. we're just gonna be friends. if he want to be friends. when i mention it, he said he gotta think about it. but he was the one that mentioned it first when we were arguing before we broke up. i'm the one who should be stressing more. he's a guy. he can let go as easy as saying cake.

i wish this didn't have to happen. but i guess it had to at some point. i really think he's the one. and i want him to come back to me. but that's not possible. it's ok. i'm ok with it. i'm a strong girl. i have other people to back me up besides my friends that he wants to hang out with all the time. he doesn't want me to be around when he does. i'm just not gonna be around.

as i see it, he's taking my friends. but thats ok. i have other friends. its not the end of the world.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 14:55:51 GMT

i never realized it... but you sure leave alot of spaces between us.. every now and then.. i feel like i can't trust you with my feelings.. there's so many things i don't know about you.. i feel somewhat uncertain almost.. but i do know that i love you and care for you deeply.. i wish i could just easily express my feelings.. there are so many things i want to do with you but i don't think you let me.. there are so many things that i want from you.. but i don't think i'll ever get them..

silly.. i'm trully silly.

i wonder if you know

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 04:13:56 GMT

my feelings seem to be collapsing bit by bit, for every time you take me for granted. for every time that you talk to someone else. for every time that you diss me for something else.

i'm far used to it by now and i've told you a thousand times before that i don't really expect much but for you to stay with me..
it hurts to know that there is always someone else that you're flirting well.. socially close with as you say. But i cannot help not to feel jealous. I'm not stopping you. There is no reason for me to stop you.

I'm just your girlfriend. we're not engaged. were not living together. were not married. pero hindi ibig sabihin na ayaw ko.

its always said.. love is kind. love is caring. love is never jealous. love... love is forever

and i know.. keeping a girlfriend is alot of an effort. but keeping me is even more. i know i'm demanding. i know i'm selfish. i know what i am. but i try not to be with you since you have alot of other things you need to do. you have your job. you have your hobby. and especially. you have your friends and family.

unfortunately. i can't keep mine. since all they're after is a piece of something i cannot give to anyone else but you. i cannot give my heart to anyone else but you.

you always tell me to make friends. but i hardly have any time to do any of that. i can't get into school till next year. maybe at the next job i have. I have my friends at work.
Its not that easy. i'm not the same as you. i can't click with everybody in just a second. Not that i don't want to. But its not my nature. it doesn't come naturally. Not enough anyways.

i don't have to tell you these things. you should know in your heart what makes me happy. we've been together for so long that you should know me by now.

all i want.. all i want is you. nothing else. i don't need gifts. i don't need things.
just you will do.

- hold me tight with all your might -- to let me know you're there.
- kiss me on my cheek -- to show me you care
- kiss me on my head -- to show you're sincere
- smile at me -- to show me you're happy with me

kiss me with intimacy.
show me you love me.
if its not easy then tell me.

answer me this.. when was the last time you lusted me.

'cause.. i can't remember. i honestly can't remember.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 01:37:13 GMT

I'm sure getting a whole lot anxieties this past few days.. i don't know why i'm feeling this way. i bet its a whole lot of insecurities on my part with things..

i've also been looking up on new jobs online. and have been sending resumes out. i'm just gonna apply for more tomorrow when i get the time.
why? 'cause since they've cut my hours at the library, i've lost $200 for every one of my paycheck. man.. thats alot..

in any case.. i need a new job.. a full-time job that can provide me enough to pay for my bills, to be able get 'my own' place and pay for school.

but i think my anxieties come from somewhere else..

aram ko na kung sain. sa syota ko. ano pa. igwa na man kaya siya ning bagong babai. kinaumuyaman ko yang babai na yan na napaka landi!!!! uhh!!!! i'm so pissed!!!

who cares!

in any case.. worked more hours this week, cause i worked tuesday night and tonight.. i was thinking.. since Josh was doing something else with someone else.. or is usually busy with something else.. i might as well take the offer of working more hours than usual since my hours were cut and i need the extra money as soon as possible, and i won't be doing anything important at home anyways..

anyhow... i seem to be feeling a whole lot better now since i let that out.

oh yeah.. which reminds me i really need to make that layout which Takumi and Nana (Hachi)!!! ^scream^!!! i love them!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 13:09:50 GMT

man.. i haven't updated in so long... first thing i gotta do is make a new layout.. and i've decided on what... hehehe.. i'm gonna pick some manga scans of takumi and nana komatsu. hehehe ^grins^

Nana (the anime) is what i've been really into lately.. watched the completed animation from 1-41 already and i can't wait till they release the rest.. i really wanna know whats gonna happen so i read up on the manga and i gotta say i read them real quick too.

it was so hard choosing and rooting for a guy for Hachi (Nana Komatsu's nickname 'cause there's another Nana (Oosaka))

first she was with Shouji when she came to Tokyo.. and then.. she was with Takumi right after they broke up.. and she realized Nobuo so she tried to break off with Takumi, though Takumi didn't really think she was breaking up with him, he only thought she got upset.. after all.. she just said "don't ever call me again, farewell"

she should have said fine! its over.. so i guess the message wasn't clear..

she then starts going out with Nobuo thinking she's done with Takumi.. then she realizes that she got pregnant and most likely it's Takumi's since Nobuo was real careful and serious about her. (i think you get my drift? if you don't... --Nobuo used a condom everytime)

damn.. i really found it hard to choose either of the two.. i like Takumi and i liked Nobuo too.. so i guess it was really hard for Nana. but.. now i have the conclusion that... i'll be cheering on for Takumi!!

i think he's really cool. though most people hate him.. i've read forums and what not and they were bluntly saying "Takumi die!"

i guess i just like him 'cause i find him really cool. plus he has really liked Nana from the very beginning, he's said that he wan't her to be his forever and that he wasn't gonna give her up that easily. and plus he's taking responsibility for the baby!!! yaaah!!! ^screams with all my might^

i can't find any decent images of them together so i just decided on using manga images instead.. of course.. gotta credit Shoujo Beat 'cause that's where i started reading the anime from.. oh yeah.. they have another which i don't remember the title,

it was in a high school setting and there are like 5 or 4 guys who are really popular in the school and they're a group of friends, they also pick one girl from the school and make her over really nice. so everybody adores them, not just for their talents but also for their looks and what not..

there's also another that i started reading there, "Backstage Price" i think its really cool. after all.. i am a girl and i do like these so called chick flick things and all lovey dovey types.. though i bet hardly anybody notices since now, i'm always with Josh. I've only got the first volume of Backstage Prince.. and i plan on buying the animation if and when it comes out..

speaking of which.. i'm gonna get Nana's also.. i think it's already released in DVD.. i could get the first season from china town when i go... or i could just probably search for it online or on ebay. it doesn't really matter where i get it as long as i get it.

i also have accumulated a whole lot of animes.. a lot.. i mean a whole lot. i've also been collecting disney movies.. all i think i need or i want are the classics which they're released years ago... though i only settle for the 2-disc platinum edition anyways..
also been reading up on the retelling of the "once upon a time series"
it's pretty good since i already read like my first 5 of them.. starting with Storyteller's Daughter, i've also read Snow, Night Dance, Sunlight and Shadow, and Beauty Sleep. i'm also reading Water Song now.. i have set it aside for so long that i haven't really had the chance to read it.. i'll be bring that and another today to work with me.. so it won't be so bad.

Also... since i can't wait until the next Nana episode comes out.. i'll be watching Pita Ten in the meantime.

wow.. i think i've typed alot.. so this it the end of my chatter for now.. more later..

arah.. internet's not working.. David disconnected me again.. he's so gonna hear it from again tonight and i'm gonna tell on him!! call me a snitch if you want.. but if i can't connect to the internet.. i can't upload anything from mediamax.. i can't download anything from reality and Death Note... shimata!!!!

man... i should re-learn Japanese again.. ^sigh^

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 00:21:22 GMT

Finally!! i have a proper program that converts this mkv file with no unregistered mark on it!!! finally!!

I've been downloading and trying out different programs but nothing has worked better than this one.. i shall not be mentioning it... why? 'cause i worked hours looking for a good one!!
i'm sorry..

anyways.. I was working at Goodwin today.. and i hate how one of my bosses, Penny.. boss me around so much.

I don't like how they tell me what to do knowing i will surely do it. i mean.. sure.. its part of my job.. but.. they work me too hard.. i hate it. even at park now.. they know i do my best... but.. now they've just been giving me all this work to do!!